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Friday, October 30, 2009 So today,it was a turn off fer me. How i wish i could really explain the things i wanna say. But i just couldnt. I cnt stand up fer myself,when i knw that i need to. But i just cnt du it. I knw she might think im being careless again. But i had to do it. Shuddup. Cos i have to be careful with my werds if i wanna speak up. I have to mind with some hearts. Im not a gd babysitter after all. I make mistakes n i was always careless when it comes to boil hys bottles. But that was quite sometime ago. But as fer something else,i always make it a point that he is under my care. He's my baby cousin . My babyboy. I wouldnt want anything bad to happen to him. With several times of falling dwn with hys head land ferst. N most of the times at grams place. My day would be hectic most of the tyme. But thats just my responsible. Thats how my day gotta be. Each tyme he falls,hys head hit the floor with a loud thud. My heart skips a beat. Mu heartbeat pumps so fast with the loud thud. N with hys cries. I would panic and then lost of werds. Struggling myself to react fast. Then worry. Lastly,guilt. Ive been with this little boy fer like 11 mths nw. Its pretty obvious that i love hym so much. N hw much he mean to me. Fer these 2 straight days that he got hys head knocked dwn. He got knocked dwn by either 1 of my cousins or hys own carelessness. Though to me its not my fault fer hys head got knocked dwn. To some others,they think its partly my fault. Its easier fer them to only say n judge me. They dun get me. They always think that babysitting is simple and easy. How could i accept the blame when its not my fault. With the blame im getting, With the several times he fall. I just wanna give up. At the very least,when he grows up. If something happens to hym, Something not right,i know its not my fault n i wont get the blame. Mum once said, "Dun always get fahim got hys head knocked dwn or else when he grow up he might be "not right" or become ill bcos of several times of hys head got knocked down frem hys childhood.He's someone child. So take a good care of hym." Because i dont want hym to be "not right" or "mentally ill" when he grows up lah i dowan anything bad to happen to hym. But to some people they dont understand y i got fuckin pissed off each tyme fahim got hys head knocked dwn. He's only 1 years old siaked. N when he was like 8 or 9 or prolly even older. I was carelessly let hym fall. I lost hys grip n he fall. Again,hys head knocked dwn the floor. That moment,only god knows hw i felt. Still,i cnt keep it a secret with me. Or i would never forgive myself. So,i told Fks. N no,i din get fucked by her. Luckily she undrstands. I was just being careless. I cn even count the times he got hys head knocked dwn the floor. To make it more understandable. I just want my babyboy to grow up normally! Although couple of times hys head kissed the floor. I dont want hym to grow up n be mentally ill. Hu wants that! Fuck lah. Just get it straight that he is my baby. N i dusnt want anything to happen to hym. Plus!!! So that i wont get the blame if anything goes wrong with hym. *Sorry if im being too emotional* Labels: i got to let it out here 5:42 AM |
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